I went to Stephanie's really quickly today to drop off Sydney. Of course I'd been building it up so much that it had to be awkward. It kind of was due mainly to me. I've still got some time to go. I will get there.

Then, of course I had to read her diary. Hadn't done that in a long time. Oh well. Isolation should continue. It is all up to me, I guess.

It is kind of funny though because I really haven't been thinking all that much about her as a person. I've been thinking more about her as a symbol. I'm not exactly sure a symbol of what since it is an idea that's just surfaced in my mind. When I went back to read her diary (about three times; stupid) I remembered that she is a real person just like me. I'm not sure for how long I've been thinking of her as the aforementioned symbol but it is probably longer than I realize...maybe since this whole drama began. But when I read her diary I was sad that she didn't write more. I wished to know what's been happening in her life. Then I remembered that I've been barely writing anything "personal" since this whole not talking thing happened either. Since I'm not about to start doing that right now I guess she can be forgiven for not doing it too.

I did read one entry that made me, not sad, but just a bit regretful? I think that's probably even too strong of a word. Whatever, the point is that she spoke of her life in Miami and how that still has its hold on her, how it will always be her main influence. That is a subject that has kind of been a thorn in our relationship, maybe from the beginning. I think maybe now I realize why; I consider my time with her like she considers her time in Miami; some of the most important times in my life. My time with her had a lot to do with shaping me as a maturing young man. Her time with me had far less to do with shaping her. I think maybe that's why I'm so jealous of it, because I was never there for hers and she was always there for mine.

Then again, I may just be tired.