Seeing as it has been a while since I graced these fair servers with a remotely meaningful entry, and I just finished drinking some coffee, I think I'll go ahead and write a meaningful (long, not necessarily important) entry.

I've been quite depressed lately. I think some of it still stems from Stephanie, but really that's just a symptom, something comfortable to wrap my mind around. The real issue at hand, I think, is my lack of self-esteem. Self-esteem and confidence are pretty easy to fake to people until they really get to know you. I think that's one of the reasons that I don't really have that many friends. It could also be a reason that I push people away when they begin to get close to me. Regardless, my depression has been causing me to think about making a pretty serious decision; I'm thinking about moving back to Portland. Not really just thinking anymore but planning. I've lived in Eugene since the beginning of 2001 and I haven't liked it very much. The times that I liked it the best were when I first moved down and when I was anticipating Stephanie's move down. Those things are long since past and they weren't really happiness in the first place. That is something that I do a lot. I'll decide that once X happens then I'll be happy. I've been doing it my entire life. It could be that I'll fall into the same trap when I move back to Portland. I hope not. I'm also making some pledges to myself that will make it less possible for me to do that.

I pledge to find a fulltime job. I pledge to occupy my time with meaningful activities. I pledge to meet new people. I pledge to stop thinking about what I'm missing by not being with Stephenie. I pledge to realize how free I am. I pledge to continue my schooling in some capacity. I pledge to think more positively about myself.

I guess those things sound kind of lame but I need to get them out. I've spent a lot of my life being unsatisfied with myself. I need to be satisfied with myself.

I think a lot about what Stephanie is doing. About who she's with. About how much fun she's having without me. I talk to her about it. I pledge not to talk to her about it anymore. I pledge not to try to drag details out of her. I pledge to focus the negative thoughts I have about her into positive actions for me.

Wow, this entry is getting a little new agey for me...a little too cuddly and touchy feely. Oh well, maybe those people have something there. God knows copious amounts of self-dislike haven't really worked for me. Maybe I should get some healing crystals and wear patchouli oil.

After last Saturday's breakdown I've been spending most of my time in Portland. I had to go back to Eugene yesterday to "work." I took the long Greyhound ride, not the express, but the one that takes four hours. I began and read halfway through "Hocus Pocus" by Kurt Vonnegut. I read almost the entire other half of it at "work." I finished it today. I haven't read a book that quickly in a long time. This tells me something, namely that I really like Vonnegut. I don't know what I'm going to read next. I still have lots of free time so hopefully I'll choose something good.

I got driven into Portland today by a (for the time being) roommate. It was very nice to get a ride in a car and not have to brave the urinal-cakey smell of a Greyhound coach. It turns out that President Stoopid Head Bush is in town today and that there were lots of protesters getting teargassed and shot with rubber bullets. My sister got gassed. She was just walking through downtown. Oops.

I don't know what I'm really up to while I'm here. My mom is having a party on Saturday as is my sister's boyfriend. I think I may go to his party too. I need to meet new people up here if this is where I'm to stay. Stephanie is going to go to my mom's party. My mom really likes Stephanie. She is pretty likeable.

Every time that I think about how great we get along though, I have to remember two things.
���1) We are broken up.
���2) If we got back together, it wouldn't be the same as it is now. It would be the same as before.

OK. I could keep writing, but I doubt you've even read this far. Good night, Gentle Reader. Pleasant dreams.

One more thing. From the Onion