I am dissatisfied with myself. I'm trying to convince myself that I'm worthwhile and a person who people like. And I'm not reaching out for people to tell me how great I am. This is just me putting words out there. Being rejected has put me in the frame of mind of being a loser. It is funny (not funny ha ha) because we talked about breaking up before and if it had been me to initiate it I think my mindset would be different. I still don't think I'd be happy though. The fact is that I use my breakup (now almost four months old, by the way) as an excuse to justify how unhappy I am. The reality is that I'm unhappy with myself. I have people around me who love me but it doesn't really seem to help that much. The only thing that I want right now is for a girl to like me but that can't happen, not until I'm satisfied with me. I try to see what others see in me that is good, but all I see are my faults. I want to be social but I'm too scared. I'm thinking about making myself big propaganda style posters to hang around in my bedroom. I'm hoping that if I see positive messages around me often enough then I'll start to believe them. I need to inundate myself with positivity. On the plus side of things, I'm not being self-destructive with my depression. I don't have a desire to hurt myself in any way (although I did have a dream that I killed myself which itself is a disturbing thing), I'm not doing any drugs, and I'm even cutting down on the amount that I drink. The only vices that I may be increasing are cigarettes and coffee. I can accept those for the time being. Maybe someday I really will quit smoking. Man, that would be good. My mom is really big into visualization of goals and emphasizing positives. I've always thought she was weird for doing those things. I don't think that anymore. Now I think that I need to do those things. I need to believe those things. I've made a list of the things I want in a job. The list is simple and broad but it has helped me to determine what I don't want and knowing what I don't want is almost as helpful as knowing what I do want. Here's the list:

• I want a full time schedule
• I want at least $10 per hour
• I want a professional but not anal environment
• I want to work with fun and intelligent people
• I want to be challenged and rewarded.
• I want opportunity for advancement
• I want to do something new
• I want to work in the city. Bus, no car commute
• I want to work during the week and have weekends free

I know that I probably won't be able to get all of those things, but a majority would work fine for me. I don't have any specific jobs that I want. I am thinking I would like to get a job in a factory. That would definitely be something new. I also wouldn't mind getting a job in an office where I'd have an opportunity to display the skills that I have and advance based on them. That would be good. I will not get a job where I earn just enough money to scrape by. I don't want a job where I have to work late at night. I don't want a service sector job. I want a job where I feel a sense of accomplishment at the end of the day. It doesn't have to be big, just not feel like it is pointless.

I need to feel like I'm not a loser. I need to feel ok with not having something to distract me. Sometimes I won't go out on a Friday night like last night. That shouldn't be an opening to feel sorry for myself. I should be happy to have a peaceful night and save money. I keep comparing myself to others. I'm the only one who I should compare myself to.

I will get through this time, hopefully ingrain the lessons learned. I don't like going through these feelings. I know it will happen again, but I'm trying to give myself ammunition to get through these times in the future.

I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me.*

Rambling and rambling toward satisfaction.

My mom and her girlfriend are throwing a party tonight. It is a yellow themed party. I have a yellow t-shirt that I picked up. I didn't even know I could look so hideous. I didn't even know some company would be retarded enough to make such a hideously colored t-shirt. You definitely learn something new everyday. That's something else that I've discovered. Everyday so many things happen to me and around me that would be great to write about. Unfortunately I keep writing about the same damn thing over and over again. Oh, I'm sad, nobody loves me. Stephanie blah blah blah. I really need to change the tune. I think that will happen better when I find some girl who likes me. I'm not even talking about a girlfriend or anything like that. I just want to feel attractive again. I don't right now. Oh yeah, I also feel like I should take a long time to get over, like months or even years. I'm worth it, I think. Hmm...I feel much better right now than I have in a while. My emotions are like a stupid rollercoaster. I hate rollercoasters.

* I usually really hate it when people say this. Just humor me.