It is obvious to anyone who is silly enough to have read my diary for any amount of time. I have become lazy and less introspective in what I write. That is a symptom of a greater trend in my life. Since I've been back in Portland, I've let myself be less introspective. That is a shame. It is good to analyze what is going on in my life. It is good to take a break, sit down, and hash things out. I use work as an excuse as to why I don't. I use being tired. I use moving around, not being settled. I use all kinds of excuses as to why I don't take a few minutes to explore themes of my current life.

So, you may be thinking to yourself, what are those themes?

The short answer is that I'm not 100% sure. I need to think about them. What are the physical realities of my life at the moment?

I moved into a new apartment last month but as yet have only spent about a week living there. I've been living at my mom's house, taking care of their dog, while she and her girlfriend are away. Stephanie is watching my cat. That means I'm paying rent on a place that functions as a storage space. That is a bit demoralizing. But since I put myself in a situation where I had to borrow money from my mom and Susan, I now have to pay it off. Dog sitting is the way I'm doing it. It is a good deal, really. I have access to a car. I'm ten minutes away from work. I get a nice, warm house all to myself. I get to watch digital cable (a mixed blessing for a lazy mind such as mine). And I get to pay off a debt in a pain free way. But this feeling of obligation sucks. I keep thinking that next month is the month I'll have extra money and can start saving. So far something has come up each month. Last month I had to borrow money to get into my apartment. I also wound up paying about one hundred dollars for doctor visits and medicine. I'm going to wind up paying more this coming month. And depending on what is wrong with me, I could wind up having to get expensive procedures. I'll tell you, medical insurance is great, but when I didn't have it, I didn't have all these medical expenses. My treatment plan was nonexistant. I just figured that anything wrong with me would run its course and go away. Mostly that was true. But doctors are all about treatment. All about prescriptions and referrals. All about chipping away, little by little at my hard earned, and quickly evaporating paycheck. I love medical treatments. I just hate having to pay for them.

Both doctors that I've seen over the past two weeks were young, attractive women. That's when fantasy mode kicks in. I half expect her to ask me to take off my pants so she can "examine" me. I hope that when I take off my shirt in order for her to check my pulse she's so overcome by my masculine presence that she can't help but lock the door and join me in undress. But this is just fantasy. If it really did happen I'd probably be severely frightened. And besides, what is the likelihood that anyone who has every medical issue about you available at the click of a mouse could possibly find you attractive. What about just see you as a person? A doctor seeing a patient as a person? I'll believe it when it happens to me.

I do prefer female doctors though. Because they are better, in general, than male doctors because they have a better bedside manner. They do a better job communicating with a patient. They do a better job at seeing me as a person.

But it sounds like I'm just as guilty as a male doctor. I think about a sexy female doctor as just that, a sexy female first and a doctor second. Oh well. I guess it is a problem of the sexes, not just doctors.

I'm going to work today. I don't particularly like working on Saturdays, but I need the money. I need to be able to afford to keep up the place. Maybe I'll just start thinking of it as my place in the city. Yeah, that way I don't have to justify not being there. It is my bachelor pad. My place to bring women after a long night of partying. I like it. I have a second place. Not really, but what they hey.

Weekends are too short when working one of the days.

I got a cell phone this week. Apparently Liz has tried to call me and just gotten a busy signal. I'm not sure if I like that. Apparently it is also time to pay bills for my last month living with her and Andrea. Yikes. I really hope it isn't too much because I don't have much money. I mean, really, I'm effing broke.

Next month. Next month is the month I become financially stable. The month I can afford to save some money.

And if it doesn't happen next month, well, the month after.