I keep coming back to an idea. It is one that I think is quite important to me. Lots of people, myself included, think that a key to getting over a breakup is to have a rebound relationship. I keep changing my mind about the subject. I keep thinking that a rebound is exactly what I need to get over what I'm experiencing right now. But wouldn't a rebound just be a bandaid? Sometimes wallowing in pain and sadness is important. I need to experience sadness, not mask it with another person.

If I were to jump into another relationship, short or long, it would be too easy to forget the things about myself that I need to work on. I need to know who I am. I think sometimes I use a relationship, or a girlfriend, or even a friend, as a cruch. A way of knowing that I'm important because others think that I am. Which is more important though? Knowing that I'm important and valuable or letting other people tell me that I am. I'm always going to be here. They won't always be here. It is logical then to conclude that the approval I need is from myself and not others. Logical, yes, but not easy.

I've lived my life for others. I do what they think I should do, am what they think I should be. I've been so afraid of people disapproving of me, that I've been afraid to be myself. But the rare times when I am myself (whoever that is) are when I and the others around me are happiest. I have it all turned around, mixed up. I don't need to have another girlfriend to validate me as a person, or boyfriend, or what-have-you. I need to believe that about myself before I choose to share it with someone else.

Here's the kicker, though. When I take a deep look at myself, I'm not sure I have much to offer. That's where my deep insecurity comes from. So, I don't value who I am. I'm afraid others won't either, so I just change to fit the situation. No wonder I'm so damned confused right now. I feel like what she did reflects on my value as a person, or boyfriend, or sex partner or whatever. When I understand that that isn't the case, I think I will be a lot better off.

Then, I can go on and live for myself.