Being in Portland is a strange feeling. Ever since the old breakup I haven't really felt at home here. Especially tonight. I don't exactly know what I was expecting when I came but this gut wrenching feeling of anxiety shouldn't be it. I grew up here for Christ's sake. Why in the hell do I suddenly feel uncomfortable? I thought that maybe it was because I'm in close proximity to Stephanie, but I don't really think that's it. What, then, could it be? I don't know.

I feel like I should be having fun. But tonight I've just been bored. Part of that has to do with the fact that I'm staying at my mom's house but not all of it.

I just want to curl up into a little ball and have someone hold me. I want someone to rock me. I want someone to console me. I don't have that. I am at my mom's house and everyone here is asleep. I feel like I have to be quiet. I don't feel at home here anymore.

I've been stripped down to nothing. I have a chance to rebuild. I'm not. I'm wading in a never ending pool of nothing. I feel like I have nothing going for me. But then I remember that I'm starting a program that I'm really excited about. I know that if I can find some way to make it until then I'll not only be ok, but I'll be happy. I'm not happy right now. I don't know what to do to become happy. God damn, I don't like writing these entries about feeling like crap. But sometimes I feel like crap. I will be better. Just not right now.

I finished reading "Fight Club" on the bus ride up here. Maybe I need to take some advice from the book. Maybe I need to force myself to hit bottom. I don't really agree with a lot of the things in the book but there is one main theme that I found quite good: it is only when we lose everything that we are truly free. I have so much. I have so many things. A TV, a VCR, a DVD player, computers, furniture, stereo, etc. I have all those things but they don't bring me happiness. Maybe I should get rid of them.

When I got back from my trip to Europe three years ago I had very little. I had a job. I moved out on my own. I accumulated many items. I tied myself down. I can't just pick up and go. I have to think, hmm...what am I going to do with all my stuff? I think that maybe I should get rid of my tv, but what about when I want to watch movies. I think I should get rid of my computer, but it is so useful. I think I should get rid of my stereo, my VCR, my DVD player, but they can provide me entertainment.

Do I really need any of those things? I don't need my TV or anything else attached to it. Those things rarely provide me with any kind of fulfilling entertainment. Sure, I enjoy them, but they don't fill me with joy. They act as ways to escape from my life. I've been trying to find lots of ways to escape recently.

I try to escape because when I confront reality head on what I see scares me.