I've been so fucking tired lately. I'm working a lot. That is good but six days a week is exhausting. I'm also feeling nice and lonely. Stephanie is out of town and today I was forced to recognize that I still rely way too much on her for my social life. I should really say "social life" because that's all it really is, a quote, unquote kind of a thing. I called up pretty much everyone I know today to see if they wanted to do something tonight. Everyone was already busy or I couldn't get a hold of them. That is depressing. Mainly though, I didn't want to spend the entire evening at home. Alone. And I didn't. I couldn't have taken it. I probably would have gone mad with thought. Not really mad but preoccupied. And I didn't. I went to a pub and talked with a friend of my dad. He is a good guy. And architect here in town who helped me get admitted to the architecture school I never attended. We had a good conversation. What I mainly took from it was what I've been thinking about a lot lately. Namely to do what I want to do. To force myself to do things that I want to do. Force myself to write. Force myself to draw. Force myself to take photos. Force myself to do all the things that I like to do but always find excuses not to. Be focused on me and not what others are doing. Focus on what I want and need. Not others. It isn't easy. My whole life I concentrate more on what others think about me. Pay attention to the lives others lead without recognizing the good things that I am capable of. I don't pay attention to what makes me me. I focus on what others think and expect of me. I don't think I'll ever be able to fully escape from that way of thinking. But I can ease myself out of it. I can ease myself into being me. But I also need to force myself out of my comfort zone. I need to make myself get out of the house. Talk to new people. Write. Draw. Take pictures. Things that I wouldn't do.

Maybe I should make a mission statement about my life. I should devise a thesis and everything I do should relate directly back to it. I need to replace doing what I think others expect of me with that I expect of me. If I want to go out, I should. If I want to stay home, I should. But I shouldn't be lazy. I need to force myself to strive for excellence. I need to force myself to be something important. Not because it is what others think I can do but because it is what I think I can do.

I could worry about what everyone else is doing right now. The fun they are having. But that is what they are doing. Not what I am doing. I am doing what I do. I am writing. I am home for the evening. I am doing what is right for me and no one else.

The high school that I went to had a Latin motto, "Age quod agis." They said it means "Do well whatever you do." I've heard that it is closer to "Do what you are doing." I think that is a good motto. Do what you are doing. Focus on that and nothing else. I am all that matters to me. Me.