I've spent the day wallowing in my aloneness. At first it felt good to be alone. Now I just feel lonely. Luckily, Liz and I are getting together soon. I'm so up and down all the time. One moment I feel good and the next I feel stressed. I talk about how I should only care about me but I worry selfishly about others. About others' actions and how they reflect on me. I'm not secure with myself. I don't have a positive self image. I don't think of how lucky others are to know me. I don't even think that others could possibly have any interest in knowing me. I wonder how I've ever kept friends. I constantly shove them aside. I worry so much about how they value me that I forget to show them how I value them. I've been relatively close to just a few people over the years, but I communicate with fewer and fewer of them. For no reason beyond my laziness. Then I sit around all Sunday and wonder "why?" Why am I alone? Why doesn't anyone want to hang out with me? Why do I care about things that are beyond my control? Why why why why? I'm a masochist. I can't stand to be happy. I need to feel crappy about myself in order to function day to day. If there is nothing to feel crappy about, I invent something. If I can't invent something, I dig something out of the past. Something that I'd thought I'd resolved or at least stopped caring about months or years ago. I'd say I need help, but really I think I just need to quit feeling sorry for myself. I'm a big boy now. Life isn't all rainbows and unicorns. Crappy things happen. People shit on you. You do crappy things and shit on other people too. Get the fuck over yourself, you whiny loser.

One more thing that relates fully to this...

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99% of the time when I am in an argument I wind up giving in. I almost always apologize in arguments. Even if I know I am right, I act as if I am wrong. I don't stand up for myself. I don't even know if I'm capable of it. I so rarely even try.

PS -- This is my 300th entry. What a fantastic subject. I would have hoped that I'd be doing better than I was ten months ago when I started this thing. Instead, I just keep running in circles. They are just different circles.

PPS -- Here is a picture I took last week.

It is a car.