Last night I struggled to stay awake while Stephanie read me the beginning of "A Confederacy of Dunces." I liked what I heard but fatigue and the comfort of being in bed with her overcame me. The last thing I remember saying to her before I went to sleep was "I love you." She kissed me and said, "I love you." And we do love each other. We've both done things in the past to undermine that love. Not things to hurt the other, but things whose side effects couldn't help but hurt the other. Now, that needs to change. She and I are back together now. Really back together. It makes so much sense, but with being together comes openness. Being back together brings with it the chance of being hurt again. I'm not fully receptive of that chance but I want to be. Over the last year I've worked hard to build a wall against being hurt again. That wall needs to come down.

Stephanie and I were talking last night. It happens a lot at the moment. This particular talk revolved, as many do, around me being suspicious of people she knows and her relationships with them. I asked her what's changed that now she wants to be with me. She said that she's always seen herself with me in five or ten years but in order for that to happen we need to be together now. I agree. She said that she needs to convince me that she is committed to me but isn't doing a good job of it. I don't know if it is her not doing a good job, or me being scared. Probably both. I am scared. I am scared that I'm setting myself up again just to be knocked down. I'm scared that she is just tired of being alone so she's convinced herself that she wants to be with me. But I can only go by what she says. We are trying to keep strong communication between us. We know that this is going to take a lot of work. It won't be easy. But the potential payoff, a life shared with the one who understands and loves you more than anyone else, is worth the potential pain.

Stephanie said that her whole life she's been used to being able to pick up and do whatever it is she wants. That she has always needed an out. With me, now, there can't be an out. For her or me. We need to be committed, not just to ourselves, but to each other. I want it. She wants it. Having a lot to lose is scary, but it means we have a lot. And that is amazing.